A clowder of CGI cats begging for death through song, James Cordon eating an entire lobster in one gulp, Jennifer Hudson nearly moving me to tears and cockroaches with human faces. You might be thinking I’m talking about some sort of fever dream, and you’d nearly be correct. Recent box office bomb “Cats” (2019) portrays all of these things and much more. In all the times I’ve been asked for movie recommendations throughout my life I never knew what to suggest, but now I can confidently tell them that “Cats” is a perfect movie for absolutely any occasion. 

This film is an adaptation of the Broadway musical “Cats” written by Andrew Lloyd Webber. It follows the story of a cat named Victoria, who meets a group called the Jellicle cats who proceed to sing several songs introducing themselves. When added together all the musical numbers just of different cats introducing themselves equals 49 minutes and 39 seconds. It’s not necessary that you know that, but I just believe that you should. Viewers are eventually introduced to the plot of the movie, which is that annually at the Jellicle Ball one cat is chosen by Old Deuteronomy, played by Judi Dench, to ascend to the Heavyside Layer and begin a new life. 

Throughout the movie, we are acquainted with many more characters with varying personalities. For example, Jennyanydots, who directs mice and cockroaches in singing and dance presentations, all of these creatures possess an unpleasant amount of human attributes. During their performance, she consumes a few of the cockroaches with no prompted action, and at one point unzips her skin to reveal another layer of fur with a costume laying on top of it. Next, we meet Rum Tum Tugger, cast as Jason Derulo, who unsurprisingly also sings a song. I can’t remember much about this portion of the film except when he shouts ‘Milk’ and the very end when he is holding Victoria’s foot horrifyingly close to his face. 

Eventually, there is a conflict introduced and it goes by the name of Macavity. We are briefly introduced to this cat during early portions of the movie when he imprisons Jennyanydots and Bustopher Jones, both of whom were competing to be the Jellicle choice. While the ball is transpiring Bombulurina interrupts the event with a song dedicated to Macavity, all the while drugging everyone inside the theater with catnip, leaving them in an incapacitated state. Somehow I felt like I had been drugged as well. Suddenly Macavity appears demanding to be made the Jellicle choice since no one else is available to take the place due to his antics. I would also like to mention that Macavity is not wearing clothes at this point, which isn’t unusual among the cats, but he is very unfortunately smooth. The contrast between this bare state and him previously wearing a trenchcoat and hat nearly gave me whiplash. Old Deuteronomy, of course, refuses to let him proceed to the heaven side layer, so his solution to this is to imprison her as well. Mr. Mistoffoles, a magician cat, magically transports her back into the Egyptian theater after the others present him with encouragement through song, which is only successful after about four tries. 

In contrast to the rather alarming moments taking up a large portion of the film, there is a moment of tenderness that continues to stick out in my mind. Nearing the end of the feature, a cat named Grizabella, who had previously been shunned by the rest of the Jellicles, is invited into the theater where everyone is celebrating the defeat of Macavity. She proceeds to sing a sorrowful ballad about her glory days and long lost happiness. Suddenly I was grateful that I had sat in an isolated spot of the theatre so that few could see me attempt to hold back the waterworks. Watching a CGI cat version of Jennifer Hudson crumple to her knees out of grief affected me much more than it had any right to. 

From what you’ve heard so far, “Cats” might sound awful, but that’s not what I’m intending to say at all. This is the greatest movie I’ve ever seen. I can’t think of any film that has ever evoked such a visceral reaction in me. After viewing it for the first time, I spent hours trying to compose myself. My nights were filled with dreams about CGI human-cat hybrids. Whether this was a blessing or a curse I doubt I will never truly be able to know.

All things considered, Dec. 20, 2019, will go down in history as the day that humans were introduced to perfection. My emotions reached their highest highs and lowest lows. I know deep in my heart that nothing will ever surpass the sentiments I experienced in those 109 minutes.